The crazy thoughts bouncing around my head

So aside from my two posts yesterday I have been completely slack for the past 2 weeks about posting. Yeah, sorry about that. To be completely honest, I have been completely slack about just about everything in my life. I have been feeling super overwhelmed by life in these past 2 weeks with lots of insecurities about future jobs, my research paper, school in general, and relationships both future and present. And thus I have been avoiding writing because I don’t want to be all sad and gloomy and attempting to avoid reality by pushing off working on my paper and pretty much just obsessing about all my worries. I know, I know… super healthy and super productive. Well, I never claimed to be all that bright. So why all the stress? Well let’s break it down:

Jobs: Yeah this should be fairly obvious. I am stressed because I am a planner and I like to have a plan of action in place to follow, yet I have none. Why no plan? Well cause I can’t figure out what I want to do with my life, and that freakin’ sucks! I know that I hate being a law student, yet maybe somehow I will like being a lawyer since it’s supposed to be very different from law school. Either way, I feel rather compelled to get a legal job. I mean I did go to freakin’ law school, at one point I did think I would like it, and what the hell else would I do if I decided I didn't want a legal job?! I keep waffling between thinking that I am just afraid of getting a legal job because I am afraid of being an adult and having a real job and thinking that I should be finding something completely different but am afraid because I often shy away from big risks. Ugh!. Biggest question in all this: How will I fool those people into thinking I am qualified? Ahhh!

Research Paper/ School: So I have procrastinated myself into a corner on this paper. 5 weeks to write a 30 page draft then final paper. And where am I? I have yet to write a single word. I have got to get off my ass about this. I keep putting it off cause I know its going to suck, but really that plan of attack just makes it suck all the worse. Damn you procrastination! And to make it worse in addition to this paper funness I have to study for the MPRE (multi-state professional responsibility exam), take the MPRE, start preparing for exams, and have holiday goodness during this time. Yeah, I am screwed.

Relationships: Yet another area in my life that I can feel insecure about, and the best thing about it…. this insecurity is multi-fold. First there are friend relationships then family relationships, and finally romantic relationships. So on the friend front, things are actually going pretty well. I have found a great group of friends at law school who are fun and make me feel good about myself. Only problem in this area is that one of my best friends from college has pretty much dropped out of my life right now. I have tried to contact her but she hasn’t called back or anything. So this has definitely happened with her before because as much as I love her she can be one of those girls who when she is in a relationship tends to slack about her friends, but damn it still hurts. It definitely brings up worries because in the past I have not been so good at maintaining long-term friendships (I blame a rather nomadic childhood).
Family is definitely also giving me some stress lately. My family kinda breaks down into the older 5 girls (I am the oldest) then the 3 “little kids” (who are now 8, 9, and 12 so not so little anymore)... yeah I know crazy amounts of people. Currently I am somewhat annoyed/frustrated with 3 of the 4 older girls and after 2 weekends in a row of being around the younger kids after their ADHD meds wear off I realize I sometimes have very little patience with them. All I can say is that this situation does not make me feel so good about myself and I am working on it, but it does make me wonder if maybe I am too hard on the people I love. I don’t want to be, but how do I change that?
Finally we come to romantic relationships. So currently I am single and I actually have been for a decent amount of time and I think I’m pretty okay with it. Truth be told I don’t really like dating all that much. I don’t like the games and the getting-to-know-you crap. Sometimes I really do want to be in a relationship but recently I haven’t wanted it enough to really deal with all that bullshit. I am just not a good game player and currently I refuse to learn. Other problem, I am a bit of a loner. I really like my alone time and can feel smothered by people. Sometimes I worry that I will never really be motivated to find someone and get married, but I guess if that happens it won’t really be the end of the world. At least with my allergies to cats, I know that I will never be the crazy cat lady. I think the biggest struggle I am having in this area of my life is the constant pressure to be either seriously dating or married. My grandmother pushes me so hard you would think she has money on it, I see the looks of pity I get from not having a +1 for a party, and this weekend my freakin’ 8 year old sister asked me “do you have a boyfriend YET?” Seriously people, get on off my back about it! If I’m okay with it then can you please get on board.

Okay, wow longest post evah. I am going to stop typing now.