Hypocrisy and Intellectual Snobbery

So after my first post I got a comment about how maybe the things I hate about my fellow law students are the things that I secretly hate about myself. And since I did just announce that I think of myself as an honest person I feel the need to examine this idea. Well, in some ways that is completely off base such as me hating them such as blind ambition and willingness to do anything and everything for a spot at a top law firm (top = highest salary) because I really am not that type of girl. What I want in a job is not a corner office and tons of frantic law clerks to order around but instead one that pays the bills, has decent hours, doesn't make me feel like I sold my soul to the corporate whores, and don't make me feel like I have to watch out for a knife in my back.

Now on to the things that probably do describe me. I hate to say it but I am a hypocrite. Not in all aspects of life but in some. I firmly believe that we all are in our own way. Do I like that I am, no not really. Do I think that I can realistically change, no not really. My biggest moments of hypocrisy usually involve me saying something that is passing a judgment on those who judge others. On numerous occasions I hear myself saying, "I just don't like X, he/she is always so intolerant of people unlike him/her. X is always making judgments and criticizing those people." Then I have to be like What do you think you are doing right freakin now? Yes I know its hypocritical but I justify it to myself as somehow being morally superior because well I am only condemning those who do it to others already. I am intolerant of others people's intolerance.

My other big offense: Intellectual snobbery. All throughout my childhood I went to crap schools where I was the smartest kid in my year and probably top 5 for the whole school. This is not because I was so freakishly brilliant but instead I was above average and blessed with supportive and educated parents in a school system where most of my classmates had parents with a middle-school/ partial high school education. I had parents who pushed for excellence and knew how to nurture and support me to get there - my homework was monitored, report cards checked, and spelling vocabulary quizzes in the car on the way to school. Unfortunately that was not all I had, I had the constant adoration of my teachers. Although my parents were proud of me and complemented me on a job well done they were sure to try to instill in me humility and the idea that someone out there always knew more, but my teachers looked at me as sent from heaven. I was worse than a teacher's pet. I was someone they put on a pedestal for all to marvel at my greatness. When everyone around you tells you how amazing you are you start to believe it. I was insufferable I truly believed that being smart equaled being better than someone else. At 15, I transferred to a much more challenging school, but I still skated through with little to no effort and found myself going to a top 20 university. In college I did truly understand that I was not the smartest kid there but still a little voice inside me head (and many outside voices of classmates) said "even if you are only slightly above average here that still means you are better than 98% of the rest of the population" I was so smug in my intellectual superiority. "Oh, you went to state school . . . Well that's nice. Me? Oh I go to ABC" Looking back its a wonder no one decked me. Then came law school. I realized that everyone around me is "one of the smartest kids in their class" and as I watched my class (me included) I realized that education does not equal better. How can you be the "better" person if you are so self-involved and self-important that you worship at the alter of yourself? Better people are the people who give so much of themselves and then apologize for not giving more. Better people are the people who remain humble and generous and who make others around them feel better about themselves.

I spent the first 20ish years of my life making myself feel better by putting others down and marveling at my own intellectual superiority. I refuse to continue. I wont lie and say that I am now totally reformed. I still shy away from dating anyone that isn't at least college educated and I still catch myself getting a little zing when I take on online intelligence test that puts me in a high percentile, but hey I'm human. Everyone likes to feel special and above the cut at times, the important thing is not to use that feeling as a weapon against others.